Nurture Notes- November 2018
Photo by bernswaelz via Canva free photos
Welcome to Nurture Notes*, a discussion about how to use the principles of Intuitive Eating to nurture your whole self.
Making Peace with Food- Part 2
Welcome to month two of our three-part series on the topic of “Making Peace with Food”. In this month’s post I will discuss how to navigate holiday meals using an intuitive approach to eating. I will be using U.S. Thanksgiving as an example. If you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, the discussion and recommendations can be used for any holiday or gathering. I will be addressing common barriers to intuitive eating at holidays including food policing, diet talk, and weight talk. I will also discuss how to use loving boundaries to assert yourself and your needs.
Holidays like Thanksgiving can bring on an array of feelings ranging from excitement and joy, to anxiety and dread (with many feelings in-between). You are not alone if you feel conflicting emotions or ambivalence about holidays in general, especially about holidays centering around food. If you are struggling with your relationship with food and/or are beginning to make peace with food, holidays can be challenging. Perhaps you may encounter some of your most “feared” foods and are afraid you will overeat. Maybe you have family members or friends that police your food choices (e.g., “do you have any idea how many calories that piece of pie has?”) or make unsolicited comments about your body weight and shape (e.g., “you’ve lost [or gained] weight”). You may find yourself in a situation where some or all of the people at the table are on restrictive diets, are cutting out food groups, or are talking about what he/she/they/them are not eating right now. Add in family dynamics, environmental factors (e.g., a crowded house), lack of sleep or physical activity, alcohol, and/or stressful travel, etc. and it’s no wonder that many people feel overwhelmed and anxious.
Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed and anxious just thinking about an upcoming holiday meal or gathering? Here are a few first steps for you:
Nurture yourself. Are you getting the basics? Enough sleep? Consistent meals throughout the day? Time for relaxation? Time for socialization with friends? Physical activity that you enjoy? If you participate in spiritual practices, are you doing them regularly? Consider how many hours a week you are working, caring for others, and spending time on social media. Are you setting boundaries with others to ensure you are getting what you need? If not, think about how you can start to make yourself a priority. Making yourself a priority might mean saying “no”, or “I’m unable to attend, but thank you” in a kind way. Experiment with setting a boundary and see how you feel. Feelings of guilt may come up. Feelings are fleeting; acknowledge your feelings, journal about them, or talk about them. Practice makes progress!!
Notice the feelings you are experiencing with curiosity rather than judgment. Consider journaling about your fears and worries or talk to someone who is a good listener. Putting fears and worries into words can help you process and cope with your emotions. Practice self-compassion. What would you say to a friend or loved one who was feeling anxious? “I’m here for you” is a good place to start if you get stuck. How can you be there for yourself? What do you need?
Let’s move into discussing how to approach holiday meals and gatherings intuitively. Food provides us with the fuel necessary to power all of our body’s cells at a basic level for day-to-day survival. However, food is much more than a fuel source. Here are several examples: food tastes good, is pleasurable, and is satisfying; food brings human beings together; feeding others is act of nurturance; food allows you to experience a new place or culture; food can be an expression of love or comfort in a time of need; food may bring up memories about events or people; food represents the traditions of individuals, families, and cultures; and food is part of all important life events including weddings, celebrations, and funerals. Reflect on what food means to you beyond a source of fuel. Part of making peace with food is having unconditional permission to eat and to experience food in a variety of ways. What memories do you have about particular holidays or food? What meaning did the holiday or food have to you?
Now let’s get into some practical tips to experiment with before or during holidays meals/gatherings:
Notice scare tactics about holiday foods in news headlines or social media. For example: the number of calories in popular holiday dishes, how many calories you would need to “burn off” if you eat a certain food, or how to make dishes “lighter.” No one food, meal, or day of eating has the power to change your body weight. Scare tactics create a feeling of guilt by implying that you are “bad” for “indulging” in food and “good” for “restraining” yourself. Guilty feelings can influence your behavior and thoughts, causing you to restrict your food intake and/or disconnecting you from the pleasure of eating in the present. Avoid reading news articles and unfollow people on social media who espouse these ideas. You have the autonomy to protect yourself from messages that could harm, rather than help, you.
Make sure you are eating consistently, even on the day of the event or holiday meal. Eating less (or not at all) earlier in the day is guaranteed way to overeat and feel uncomfortably full at the end of the meal. Try to come to the table hungry and ready to eat, rather than ravenous.
Select food items that appeal to your senses (e.g., sight, smell) and personal food preferences. Give yourself permission to eat whatever foods look good to you. While eating your meal, practice noticing the flavors of each bite. Remember that unconditional permission to eat includes having as much food as you need to satisfy your hunger. Try to leave the table when you have a comfortable feeling of fullness (no longer hungry, but not stuffed either). If you do eat past fullness, be kind to yourself. It’s okay to overeat. We all overeat sometimes and uncomfortable body sensations and feelings will pass. Give yourself permission for whatever you need (water, rest, a light walk around the block, etc.).
Dessert can be tricky for many people trying to make peace with food because it is often on the “forbidden” food list. If you would like to have some dessert, give yourself permission and notice the taste of each bite. You are under no obligation to finish a dessert, or to eat dessert if you feel too full (have it later if you want). Saying “no thank you” when you truly want to have some dessert may lead to uncontrollable cravings and deprivation-driven backlash eating.
Dealing with diet talk: Diet talk is pervasive. Have compassionate for your family members or friends who talk about diets, calories, workouts, etc. Diet talk is often a way of bonding with others. If you are at a point where diet talk is not triggering to you, practice your listening skills and give neutral responses (e.g., “It sounds like you really enjoy your new yoga studio.”) However, if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable with talk about calories, fad diets, etc., there are a couple of options. First, you can excuse yourself from the conversation physically or by starting a conversation with someone else (if in a group). Excuse yourself to get another drink, use the restroom, help the host, etc. If removing yourself from the situation is not possible, redirect the conversation to a neutral topic. Ask about children, pets, what the person has been up to, or talk about the weather, sports, your weekend plans, etc.
Dealing with food policing: Consider the following scenario- you’ve accepted a slice of pecan pie, your favorite. As you are about to take the first bite your cousin says very loudly “sugar is so bad for you; you shouldn’t eat that.” Practice rehearsing what you would say in this type of scenario so you are not caught off guard. There are several options in the moment: you can ignore the comment and start to eat your pie; you can say something neutral like “pecan pie is my favorite and I’m going to enjoy each bite” or “I eat all kinds of foods including desserts”; or you can be more direct “I would appreciate if you kept comments about my food choices to yourself.” Your food choices are no one’s business. You are free to remove yourself from the situation if that’s best for you. If you are feeling hurt or angry about the comment ask to speak to the person directly about it at a later time. Use “I” statements like “I felt angry when you called me out at the table…” Using “you” statements like “you hurt me” puts people on the defensive and shuts down the conversation.
Finally, dealing with unsolicited body comments: You are worthy no matter what size your body is. Unsolicited comments about your body weight, shape, and health can be hurtful and/or shaming (especially from a loved one). We can’t control when someone will say something about our bodies, and unsolicited comments often catch us off guard. You may choose not to respond to body comments at all. Many families have strong cultural practices around respecting elders, not discussing feelings, etc. Confronting someone verbally might be a sign of disrespect or cause a family fight. If you choose to respond, I recommend using the same strategies that I discussed in dealing with food policing. Neutral responses like “I don’t know what my weight is” and changing the subject might work. If the commenter is persistent you might need to be more direct, “I don't feel comfortable talking about my body weight (or health) ” or “My weight is not on the table for discussion”. Repeat the phrases calmly and as many times as you need to get the point across. Setting loving boundaries might be necessary. Choose a time to speak to the person when you are calm and unhurried. Here is an example of what you might say: “I want to share my feelings about what happened at our last family meal. I felt hurt when I heard you make comments about my weight. I’ve been working on improving my body image and I am no longer dieting. My weight is not on the table for discussion. In the future I will choose to end the conversation and leave the room (or house or hang up the phone) if I hear comments about my weight. Would you please respect my wishes and not make comments about my body weight?” After you are done delivering your message give the receiver time and space to process the message. Listen to their feelings/responses and reiterate what your needs are (e.g., “I hear that you are concerned about my health. Thank you. As I said before, I feel hurt when you make comments about my body and I hope you can respect my wishes by not making comments in the future.”). When you set a loving boundary, it is important that you abide by it. If the comments are made again then you need to reinforce your boundary and take action. Boundary setting takes practice and reinforcement. Be kind to yourself. If there are persistent communication and relationship issues consider seeking out professional help from a therapist or counselor.
Next month we will tackle special circumstances that get in the way with the food peacemaking process.
Until then, I wish you all the best!
Nicole
*Disclaimer: The information contained in this post is for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical or mental health care.