Nurture Notes- December 2018
Ready to stop the food fight?
Photo by Pharaoh EZYPT via Canva free photos
Welcome to Nurture Notes*, a discussion about how to use the principles of Intuitive Eating to nurture your whole self.
Making Peace with Food- Part 3
Welcome to our final post of the three-part series on the topic of “Making Peace with Food”. This post will focus on common traps and barriers that interfere with the food peacemaking process. If you’ve read all three posts you might recognize that there are all kinds of barriers and unhelpful thinking patterns (otherwise known as cognitive distortions) that prevent us from making peace with food. If you are ready to stop the food fight, read on. I will discuss the most commonly experienced traps and barriers with suggestions for how to get “unstuck”.
January, or national dieting month (yes, that’s a thing), is 31 days away. I have great compassion for those of you who feel uncomfortable in your current body and are tempted to diet in the new year. Coming to the realization that calorie-restrictive or elimination diets have not worked for you in the past can feel frustrating, painful, and paralyzing. You might be afraid that if you stop dieting you will never stop eating, you won’t know what to eat or how to eat, and that you will be out of control with food. We are the experts of our own bodies and have the autonomy to make the decisions we feel are best for us. If you are planning a new diet/eating plan, consider the following questions so you can make an informed choice: 1) If past attempts at weight loss have been ineffective (e.g., loss weight then regain), how will starting a new diet lead to a different outcome? 2) What problem will weight loss solve? Will your life be happier, will you meet the perfect partner, will you find your dream job, etc. because you lost some weight? What is stopping you from being happy, finding a job you love, etc. at your current weight? 3) What are possible side effects from dieting that you might experience physically (e.g., chronic hunger, fatigue), mentally (e.g., being preoccupied with food, mental fog), emotionally (e.g., irritability, lack of self-trust), socially (e.g., unable to meet friends for dinner out), and spiritually (e.g., feeling despondent or disconnected)? and 4) What costs would a diet have for you in terms of your time, energy, finances, relationships, work, etc.? As I said above, you have bodily autonomy. At minimum, I hope you paused to consider what impacts a new diet will have on your life.
If you are ready to work on your relationship with food without dieting, let’s discuss some common traps and barriers to the food peacemaking process.
Trap#1- Last Supper Eating
The dieting mindset, including rules about what foods you aren’t allowed to eat on your next diet, is a strong trigger for overeating in the present. Even the suggestion that you “have to” cut out calories, sugar, carbs, fat, etc. in the future creates a sense of deprivation leading to last supper eating. Last supper eating is a fear-driven urgent type of eating that leads to frantic gorging of your favorite, but soon to be forbidden, foods. “I better eat it now, because I won’t be able to soon” is a common thought that drives last supper eating behavior. When frantic gorging occurs before the next planned diet, a common response is self-shame (e.g., “I clearly can’t control myself around food) followed by restrictive food behaviors. As I have discussed in earlier posts, food restriction leads to backlash eating (overeating or bingeing). Planning your next diet sets you up for another round of last supper eating.
In order to prevent last supper eating, give yourself unconditional permission to eat any food you really want without obligatory penance (e.g., having to exercise, eating less the next day, skipping the next meal, etc.). Unconditional does not mean you “indulge” today and diet tomorrow. To truly experience freedom with your eating there can’t be any future plans to restrict yourself from the foods you enjoy. When you give yourself permission to eat whatever you want, you will find that your desire for formerly forbidden foods lessens and you start to eat a greater variety of foods. Unconditional permission take practice. For example: If you give yourself permission to eat pancakes for breakfast and are preoccupied with thoughts about needing to eat less later in the day, pause and notice your thoughts. Take a step back and acknowledge that you were having a thought about needing to restrict. Practice responding back to your critical voice by saying something like “I have permission to eat pancakes whenever I want them. I don’t have to eat less later in the day if I choose to eat pancakes for breakfast. I deserve to feed my body consistently throughout the day and eat foods that I enjoy.”
Trap #2- Food Competition
Sharing a meal or eating in a large group can lead to thoughts that you might not get enough, or your share, of the available food. Many people who grew up in large families, especially large families of moderate or modest means, learned to eat quickly in order to get enough food. Fear of future deprivation can set you up for food competition- eating quickly to get your “fair share”. Food insecurity (e.g., not enough food to go around, running out of food at home, having to ration food) is a traumatic experience with lingering effects. It’s not uncommon for people who have been food insecure to binge when food comes into the house, hide or hoard food to secure their “fair share”, and to eat other people’s food (roommates, coworkers). These behaviors may continue long after food insecurity ends. If you are in the process of making peace with food, have compassion for yourself and acknowledge that these behaviors are normal, learned responses to actual or future food deprivation. Here are some practical tips to experiment with if food competition is an issue for you (and you are food secure): 1) Practice attuned eating by checking in with your body every couple of bites to assess for emerging fullness. Pausing to check-in with your body will help you learn how different foods feel in your body. 2) If you are dining out, practice using your assertive voice to express your needs (e.g., “I am pretty hungry and would like to order my own meal” or “All the small plates were delicious, but I’m still feeling hungry. I would like to order something else.”). 3) Keep your home stocked with plenty of your favorite foods. Replace as needed to keep a consistent stock available. If food security is an issue for you, be kind to yourself. Feed yourself as often as you are able.**
Trap #3- “The Clean Plate Club”
Think back to your childhood- were you ever told to “clean your plate” before you could leave the table or before you were allowed to have dessert? If so, you may have grown up in a family with traditions and values about not wasting food, especially if you had parents or grandparents who experienced food insecurity (e.g., grew up during the Great Depression). “Cleaning your plate” might have signaled a deep respect and gratitude for the both the provider of the food, and the food itself. Not “cleaning your plate” might have been a sign of disrespect and you may have been shamed or punished for not finishing your food. Unfortunately, being part of the “clean plate club” means that you learned to rely on external cues (e.g., the empty plate, parental approval) rather than internal cues about body’s needs. Restoring connection to your body’s cues is possible (and does not have to come at the expense of values you hold about not wasting food). Here are some strategies to experiment with:
Visualize what comfortable satiety might feel like for you. General descriptors of comfortable satiety include a subtle feeling of stomach fullness, feeling neither hungry nor full, and/or feeling contented/satisfied. Comfortable satiety is highly individual. You are in charge of deciding how full you wish to feel every time you eat. Being an intuitive eater doesn’t mean that you eat only when you are hungry and stop when you are just starting to get full. Our daily needs vary greatly. Sometimes we want to eat because something looks delicious even if we are not hungry. Eating intuitively is about connecting to your body’s needs rather than using external cues to guide your eating.
You have the autonomy to decide how much food you need to fuel your body and feel satisfied. Give yourself permission to honor your hunger and meet your body’s needs. You are neither obligated throw away uneaten foods, nor to save leftover foods. If you are done eating it’s okay to take home a container at a restaurant (or not) and say “no thank you, I’m feeling full” or “yes please” to host or restaurant server who offers you additional foods when you are comfortably full. Your needs, your choice.
If you are a parent, you have an opportunity to help your children stay connected to their body’s needs. Get curious (without judgment) about the messages you send to your children. I like Ellen Satter’s work about the division of responsibility in feeding. Information about her work is available at: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org
Trap #4- The Empty Pantry
How often do you grocery shop?** Do you have a general stock of food at home or do you generally have an empty pantry/fridge/freezer? Infrequent shopping and an environment where food is not regularly available creates a sense of deprivation. If you don’t know where or when your next meal will appear there is a tendency to overeat when food becomes available. Part of nurturing your whole self is ensuring that a consistent source of food is available (to the best of your ability) so that you (and your live-in social network) can honor your (their) hunger.
How does an empty pantry or fridge make you feel? What feelings come up when you think about having a fully stocked pantry or fridge? There may be some excitement and a strong desire to eat larger quantities of food once more foods are available in your home; this is both normal and expected. As you (and others in your home) acclimate to a more abundant food environment, the excitement and energy around food will lessen.
Take a look at your daily and weekly schedule (and your partner’s, as applicable). Food is a fundamental need and deserves to be prioritized. Are there events or “to-dos” on your calendar that are non-essential and/or can be delegated? How much time (and money) are you currently spending picking up food or going out for meals and snacks? Where could one or two grocery store trips be scheduled per week? If carving out time to shop is challenging (or you hate to cook), and you have the means, consider a meal delivery service (meals come fully cooked/ready to heat or prepped and ready to cook), or online grocery shopping with delivery.
Allow your budget, food preferences, and lifestyle guide you in creating a stocked pantry/fridge/freezer. Buying packaged/canned (e.g., pasta and tomato sauce, cereal, vegetables, single serve bags of chips, loaves of bread) and frozen (e.g., chicken breasts, berries, entrees) items in bulk is an economical way to start stocking your pantry. Warehouse stores often have great deals on basics, and many supermarkets run “buy one get one free” deals weekly. Stock up when your favorite foods are on sale.
If you like lists, create a organized shopping list (by food category or by grocery aisle) to save time while shopping. Enlist the help of your live-in social network in creating and maintaining the grocery list (and helping with meal planning or shopping if that is desirable or feasible for you!).
Trap #5- Compare and Despair
The final trap I call “compare and despair”. Comparing ourselves (to our past selves or to others) can lead to feelings of despair (e.g., “I’m hopeless; I’ll never be good enough or worthy enough” or “I’m a failure”). Feelings of discouragement, hopelessness, depression, and sadness impact our ability to nurture and care for ourselves and others. I am going to discuss two ways that “compare and despair” thought patterns impact our ability to make peace with food.
One comparison we make is to our past selves. An example of this is comparing how much food we ate today with how much food we ate yesterday. The thought may sound something like this: “Why did I eat two snacks today? I only ate one yesterday. I’m never going to be an intuitive eater.” The expectation that we need to eat exactly the same amount everyday sets us up for feelings of hopelessness or failure. Our bodies are in a state of constant change. The amount of fuel our bodies need to function changes on a daily basis. Our fuel needs are influenced by numerous factors (e.g., our age, activity level, hormonal balance, sleep patterns, emotional state, stress level, how consistently we feed ourselves, the variety of our food choices, etc.). Our body’s energy needs will change throughout our life. If our energy needs are constantly changing, the expectation that we need to eat exactly the same amount every day is unreasonable (and we are not failures for needing more food some days). If you have been yo-yo dieting for any amount of time, being flexible with the amount of food you eat on daily basis can be challenging. Diet plans dictate certain foods and amounts of foods to be eaten at certain times of the day. Honoring your hunger means respecting your body’s fuel needs on a daily basis. Practice addressing the negative thought patterns. Using the example above about needing two snacks instead of one, you could respond back: “I was hungrier today than I was yesterday; therefore I needed an additional snack to meet my energy needs today.”
A second comparison we make is our food choices or meal size to the food choices and meal size of someone else. As I said above, we are all unique in our daily energy needs. We are the experts of our bodies, and our bodies alone. If you find yourself making unhelpful comparisons when dining with other people (e.g., “I ate more than Cindy at lunch today. I need to start eating like she does and only eat half my lunch.”) pause and notice your thoughts/feelings. You might have had a thought that your friend is better than you because she ate less. A thought that you are less worthy than your friend may come with associated feelings of despair. Ask yourself some questions: What feelings are coming up for you when you compare yourself to your friend? What are the consequences of comparing your self to others on your mood and behaviors? How satisfied were you after finishing your lunch? What makes eating less better? After considering the questions you can practice reframing the thought: “I felt satisfied with the amount of lunch that I ate today. My energy needs are unique to me and my worth is not based on how much I eat. The sandwich was delicious and hearty. I had energy all afternoon and was able to finish my work project.”
Wishing you all Happy Holidays! I’ll be back with more in January 2019!!
Nicole
*Disclaimer: The information contained in this post is for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical or mental health care.
**If food security is an issue for you here are links to SNAP (formerly the Food Stamps program): https://www.fns.usda.gov/snap/supplemental-nutrition-assistance-program-snap and a listing of how to find your nearest food bank from Feeding America: https://www.feedingamerica.org/find-your-local-foodbank