Self-Compassion Not Self-Discipline

Photo by Dave Lowe (@thelowedown) via Unsplash

At times, we’re all hard on ourselves. We can be critical, mean, and shame ourselves for our mistakes, perceived weaknesses, and our lack of self-discipline. However; some of us experience an intense, unrelenting critical voice that dominates our thoughts with judgments about perceived transgressions or flaws. A nagging critical voice can leave us feeling exhausted, unworthy, and like a failure. Whether you fall into the former or latter group, self-compassion is a skill that everyone can use as an antidote to self-criticism and self-hatred.

Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion defines self-compassion as giving ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give a good friend who was feeling inadequate, going through a rough time, who made a mistake, or who fell short of a dream. Dr. Neff believes that self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves when we feel inadequate, are suffering, or experience failure; recognizing that pain, suffering, and inadequacy are common experiences for all human beings; and observing our feelings and thoughts as they are without suppressing or denying them (e.g., being with your discomfort). Self-compassion is not about self-pity, “giving up”, or “letting ourselves go”; self-compassion is about being kind to ourselves when we face pain and suffering rather than criticizing ourselves. Self-criticism doesn’t motivate positive change and growth, but self-compassion does. I invite you to explore Dr. Neff’s work on the website www.selfcompassion.org. There are many resources including meditations, written exercises, and helpful links.

One of my favorite written exercises of Dr. Neff’s is called “How Would You Treat a Friend?” This is an exercise you can do right now. All you need is something to write with and something to write on.

#1- Think about a time when a close friend (or family member, child, even pet!) was struggling with a problem, some pain, or was feeling inadequate. Write down what you would do and say to your friend/loved one/child/pet. What tone of voice do you imagine you’d use? (If you find that your first inclination is to use a firm tone and to say something like “suck it up and deal with it”, I want you to picture someone that you wouldn’t say this to).

#2- Next: bring to mind a time when you were struggling, were in pain, or were feeling inadequate. What did you do and say to yourself? What tone of voice did you use?

#3- Compare your responses to the first and second scenarios. Is there a difference between how you speak to yourself and how you speak to loved ones/friends/children/pets? What is the difference and what are the reasons you respond differently to yourself than to others?

# 4- What would change for you if you were to speak to yourself the same way you spoke to a close friend/loved one/child/pet? Next time you’re struggling, experiment with saying something kind to yourself in a gentle tone. See how you feel afterwards. I’ll bet it’s a much more pleasant and motivating experience! If you get stuck and don’t know what to say to yourself try: “I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. I’m here for you.”

I’d love to hear how this goes for you!!